I sure liked that bumper pad...

I've gotten a bit of flack about Mira sleeping in her co-sleeper in our room (and often snuggled up to me in our bed) for so long. I finally convinced myself that it would be best for everyone involved if she sleeps in her room. I mean, I understand she's got to sleep in her own room at some point. I'm just not sure what that magic age is. I know plenty of babies sleep in their own rooms from day one, and that's great if it works for those families. They have fewer problems down the road, I'm sure.

But, that didn't work for us, and I'm not sure it works now. If she goes down peacefully (i.e. I've just nursed her to sleep), it's not a big deal. But, when I lay her down and she screams bloody-murder, I have a very hard time making her sleep in there all by herself.

We're all human. Humans crave human contact. And, she can't understand why she's being left alone. But, since I couldn't pin-point the exact age that a child should be exiled from their parents' warm, comfortable, reassuring arms, and because she was sort of out-growing her co-sleeper, I figured we should take the plunge.

So, Mira is now sleeping in her own bed, in her own room (for about two weeks now, I think). At first, Kenny & I were sleeping in the guest room, since it is right next to her room (as opposed to being across the house like our bedroom). People laugh at this, but I don't think it's that big of a deal. It's not like we're camping out in the bathroom or something - just a different bedroom (it has a bed with pillows and blankets!). Anyways, Kenny has been super-supportive and patient about the whole set-up, and has never even hinted (to me) that he was ready to be back in our room.

But, I gave our bedroom a mini-makeover and decided I was ready to try sleeping in our own, very comfy, bed again. Of course, I have the video monitor right beside me, so I can listen to Mira all night and "look in" on her every so often.

The first night was pretty uneventful - she woke up at her usual times (2 and 5 a.m.). The second night was, again, uneventful.

On the third night...there was an event. Not a good one.

You know how they say you're supposed to remove all the pillowy stuff from the crib? Including the bumper pad? Well, I really didn't see any danger in leaving the bumper pad in place. Mira isn't much of a tosser & turner while she sleeps. She has gotten to where she wants to start on her side, then she ends up turning over onto her back.

I mean, I worked hard making that beautiful bumper pad, and without it, the crib is so plain! So boring!

Well, a good kick in the stomach put my priorities in line. They tell you to remove it for a reason!

Around midnight (I'm well asleep since our normal waking time is at 2 a.m.), I wake up because I think I hear Mira cry out. Just one quick yell. I roll over, still in that in-between sleep & awake stage, and turn on the video monitor to see if she's starting to stir. Nope - she's laying there very still. She is covered up with her blanket (she likes it pulled up over her ears), and so the angle of the camera doesn't allow you to really see her face).

Okay, I figure she's put herself back to sleep (great!), or I just dreamt her crying out. Video monitor off - roll back over and close eyes.

Another single yell.

Now, I know I heard that! I'm more awake this time. I turn the video back on. She's still. I keep looking. Then a little movement in her legs - they start to kick...a lot! That's when I notice the angle that her knees are bending - her feet are kicking up. She's on her tummy, and her face is buried under the bumper pad! She's struggling to get herself back over, but for some reason, she can't.

Another single yell, but I'm already to her room...

I grab her, flip her over, and scoop her up in one quick motion. My heart is racing. Her heart is racing. She clings to me, and I cling to her. She and I slept in the guest bed the rest of the night - I snuggled her as close as possible.

I didn't take her back to our room because our comforter is so big and heavy, it's hard to keep her from getting covered up completely, and she gets way too hot.

This was the worst experience as a mother yet. I feel horrible. I feel incredibly stupid. I hate that she spent those moments scared and needing me, and I wasn't there sooner. I couldn't help to think of the "whatif's." What if I hadn't checked the video monitor? - I might have just assumed she was putting herself back to sleep and went back to sleep myself. What if I had slept through those yells for help?

I have a horribly wild imagination (thus the reason I had a hard time moving so far away from her in the first place), and now I can't stop thinking about all the things that could happen to her in the middle of the night without me there to protect her! Yes, I understand this is a bit neurotic, but that's how my brain works...

Well, suffice to say, Mira's crib looks very plain now...and I will be the crazy mom who checks on her after every little noise. It's like the woman who slathers boatloads of sunblock on her children and puts them in long sleeves, pants, and big, ugly hats at the beach. You think she's weird and over-protective, but perhaps she's had an awful scare with skin cancer - you can't blame her for being "crazy" about protecting her kids from something that almost took her away from them forever.

Maybe I'm over-reacting. Maybe, she would have gotten herself out of that fix, no problem. Maybe she was just frustrated, not suffocating. Maybe in a few years I'll look back and laugh at myself for being so overly-dramatic about it. But, in that moment, I was terrified.

I thought Mira sleeping in her own bed was supposed to help me sleep better??

And, as for having another!! It's way too stressful loving someone this much! Rewarding - yes; joyous - yes.......but stressful!!