Farewell to Nursing

**WARNING - This is a long (I'm talking l....o.....n....g) entry and there is a lot of 'nipple talk' in this passage, so if you can't handle it - skip this one!! This one's really more for me - like therapy! ;) **

Well, we've had a long, hard road when it comes to nursing...

My nearest and dearest know that I have struggled with it since before Mira was even born! I had flat/inverted nipples and had to wear shells for about 6 weeks prior to her due date. This was supposed to help break the adhesions and allow the nipple to come out, so Mira could latch on properly.

I remember being so thrilled the day I first started leaking (before Mira was born) - I was so relieved to know "they work!" I texted my bf, Erika, with something along the lines of "yea! i'm leaking!" She thought I meant my water had broke and was so excited that I was going into labor! But I think that was like 4 or 5 weeks early, so it wouldn't have been that great afterall!

Anyways, I was so excited and nervous about nursing. I was simply afraid I wouldn't be able to do it, or that Mira wouldn't want to or be able to.

Our very first nursing session in the hospital after she was born was pretty rocky. I was on the brink of blacking out/throwing up anytime they elevated me enough to nurse (apparently, I lost a lot of blood during labor). I was too out of it and weak to hold her by myself, and my nipples were still not cooperating! Mira was such a tropper from day one! She was very persistent and tried to latch on over and over again. I'm so glad she didn't give up!!

I didn't want to use a shield, but the nurse pleaded with me to try it since we were having no luck without it, and I was getting pretty frustrated. I agreed because I felt the alternative was to give her a bottle, so I thought I'd try all the tricks before going to formula.

So, the second time, I tried the shield, and it worked like a charm. Mira latched on and ate really well for a few minutes before I had to practically throw her at Kenny because I felt like I was going to pass out and I was afraid I was going to drop her!

The nurse took her back to the nursery, and I fell into a deep sleep. I remember waking up and looking at the clock, groggily wondering how long it had been since she had eaten. I finally got my head together enough to do the math - it had been about 6 hours! I called for the nurse, furiuos that they had let me sleep while my baby went hungry!! Obviously, I wasn't quite "with it" yet...

Of course, they had not let her go hungry. They had used a gavage and fed her formula while I slept. I wanted to be upset with them for taking this liberty, but it just made too much sense. I was too tired and weak to nurse more than a couple of minutes, so it was better that I get some rest and be ready to really sit up and hold her and nurse. I did feel much better after having a few hours of sleep, and since they used a gavage instead of a bottle/nipple, I didn't have to worry about "nipple confusion" (this term cracks Kenny up which annoys the mess out of me!).

Well, as it turns out, Kenny was listening when I ranted and lectured about the hysterical "nipple confusion" because he fought the nurse over giving Mira a bottle that night. He was our Knight in Shining Armor, putting his foot down and refused to let the nurse give her that nipple! I only just found this out now after all these months!! He says, "I thought I told you..." =)

So, from there we were off and running! At home, I would get all set up in the big chair in our bedroom. I would get the Boppy situated, have the nipple shield ready, foot stool in place, get her in the perfect position, and off we went!

Wow. Was that a pain in the rear! What a fuss!

And, in the begining, I was often nursing every hour on the hour! And she would easily nurse for 45 minutes to an hour...you do the math!!! She would fall asleep instantly and I would fight with her to try and wake her up - this was impossible! I stroked her lips, gently pinched her ear lobes, tickled her feet, and even undressed her - nothing. If she was asleep, she was asleep.

Throughout our time nursing, I went through every troublespot there is - starting with the inverted/flat nipples, then on to engoregment, mastitis, blocked ducts, infected ducts, cracked nipples, and, best of all, bleeding nipples. That was a scary moment when I looked down at her after un-latching and saw blood all over her mouth! I was so relieved to figure out that it was coming from me and not her! It was the first of many occassions.

I've had the embarassing experience of leaking puddles of milk in public - soaked straight through pad, bra, and shirt! It would literally be dripping down my stomach at times! No worries of low milk supply!!

I remember the frustration of trying to find a decent place to nurse when in public...the frustrations of always having to be the one to feed her whether I was in the middle of a meal, a tour, or trying on clothes at the mall.

The fact that she refused to be on any kind of schedule made it so hard to plan anything, plus she continued to nurse every couple of hours up until at least 5 months - that didn't leave a lot of time to get things done before I'd have to "whip it out" again.

But, now for the brighter side...

We did eventually get much more relaxed about the whole thing - no Boppy, no foot stool. Instead, I found that sitting Indian-style was a much easier position for us. I learned the best spots for nursing while out and about, and Mira started to get a little more focused. She would eat and be done rather than falling asleep everytime, and we did get to where she would go a little longer between feedings.

I am so glad that we were able to nurse. I say "we" because if Mira had been passive about it in the begining, I probably would have ended up going to formula from the start. And, if Kenny hadn't been so supportive and encouraging, I probably could have convinced myself that it wasn't worth the trouble, pain, or inconvenience. Sheila and Coco were both endless sources of praise and encouragement as well. Our lactation consultant was a fountain of information and helpful advice. So, it sort of took a team to make it work!

I did have a moment of great pride one day when I realized how beautifully and healthily she was growing on nothing but what I was giving her from my own body! It makes you respect your body a little more.

And, I did have moments of intense closeness with her. So many hours that I spent nursing, I was able to just sit and stare at her while she was perfectly serene. I loved getting to soak her all in!

She usually had her eyes closed while nursing. She often made Kenny & I laugh with her grunts and moans (of total bliss, I assumed)! She would frequently slurp and smack (I say she gets this from her Daddy). And her hands....ahhh, her hands! She would melt my heart and make me laugh until I cried with the way she would move her hands. Often, she would put one hand to her forehead as if she had great troubles to sort out. Sometimes, she would grab hold to whatever she could get her hands on (bra, blouse, breast!), or pinch the fire out of me! Other times, she would ever so gently brush her tiny little fingertips over my skin in a fluttery caress or put her whole arm around my breast as if to hug it as close as possible to her.

She loved to nurse. She would nurse all day if I let her, and she nursed to sleep every night. So, naturally, I cringed at the thought of having to wean her, especially the night feeding. I figured it would involve a lot of tears - maybe more from me than her! I let her taste formula when she was 4 months old - right before she was starting solids -, and she hated it! This made me even more anxious...

So, imagine my surprise when it was the easiest milestone yet (for her)! I decided to try formula again around 7 months (after she had been eating solids and trying lots of new flavors/textures for a few months), and she drank it down like she'd been drinking it all her life!

I started with one bottle here or there...then went to every other feeding being a bottle (at this point, she started losing interest in nursing - she was too distracted)...then giving her formula all day but nursing her before bed, first thing in the morning and during the night if she woke up hungry...to only nursing during the night...and FINALLY (right about 8 months) no nursing at all!

July 20, 2009 (8 days ago) was the last time I nursed - it was in the wee hours of a Monday morning. I nursed her while we slept in our bed. I was a little sad when I realized it would be the last time - even though it hurt like crazy, and I was ready to be done with the pain!


I know for a fact that it has been harder on me than her. I don't think it has fazed her even a tiny, tiny amount. But, me....well, I guess, to my surprise, I'm a teensy bit sad.


I don't miss the actual nursing so much, but I am sad about closing a chapter (but looking forward to opening so many new ones). I'm sad (and so, so excited) about her growing more and more independent every day. I'm sad (and happy, too) that she no longer fits across my lap.


So, farewell to sore breasts & bleeding nipples. Au revoir breast pump & nipple shields. So long milk-soaked blouses. Adios nursing bras and pads! And, good-bye to my newborn baby girl who, no matter what, all it took to sooth her was me.... =(


Now, I guess I get to re-introduce myself to "real" bras and dresses (most are impossible to nurse in!). Howdy to washing a million bottles and nipples every day! Aloha to breasts that don't make me wince just by looking at them! And hello to a more independent, smarter, more giggly, more active, and stronger, baby girl who will always be able to find comfort in her Mommy's arms.


I look forward to the chapters we are opening now - she's crawling and cruising. Being so mobile allows her to get where she wants to be, and it is nice and reassuring when it is you that she wants to be close to. She is so full of joy - she loves to laugh and play games. It won't be long before she is saying her first words - this will be more like opening a collection of books as opposed to a chapter!


This is why parenting is always so bitter-sweet; chapters open and close all the time. It's a good thing that there's not too much time to sit and pout about the things you'll miss, because life with a growing child is full of so many new exciting things everyday!


To Mira: I love you so much, and I hope you know that no matter how much I complain or joke about nursing, I'm so glad things worked out, and I was able to do that for you. My only regret is that my pain and your waning interest kept us from lasting the whole year. But, I would do it again in a heartbeat because you are so worth it! You are always worth it!